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I’LL BE HANGING WITH ICE-T AT THE PREMIERE OF HIS FILM, “THE ART OF RAP” ON JUNE 12th

June 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I just got word that I will be a part the festivities at the premiere of Ice-T’s documentary “Something From Nothing: The Art of Rap on June 12th. I’ll be posting pictures and video from the red carpet and inside the party. Read more about the film…

As he prepares for the June 15 theatrical opening of his documentary “Something From Nothing: The Art of Rap,” Ice-T promises that the campaign “won’t end with this film.”
“We’ve got a DVD. We have a television show. We have a soundtrack album,” the rapper told Billboard.com before a suburban Detroit screening of the film, which was attended by fellow MCs Chuck D of Public Enemy (who Ice-T had joined on stage the previous night at the Movement Electronic Music Festival), D-12′s Denaun Porter and Trick Trick. “I’ve got 52 (MCs) in this movie, and I have at least an hour to an hour and a half of in-depth interviews. I’ve got, like, two hours with KRS-One. So the film will just be the first embodiment of ‘The Art of Rap,’ but I don’t want to promote our secondary plans and take away from the film. I want people to see it on the big screen, hear it with the big speakers and take that ride.”

 

 

Ice-T spent two years working on “Something From Nothing,” chatting with the likes of Afrika Bambaataa, Run-DMC, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Kanye West, Grandmaster Melle Mel and scores of others about the actual crafts of rapping, rhyming, composing and sound generation. “In my 25 years of rapping, no one ever asked me how I did it,” explained Ice-T, who licensed more than 400 songs for the film and commissioned Smooth Hustla to compose the original track “109 MCs.” “People would always be more concerned with the beefs, the cars, the girls, the celebrity side of it, but not how it’s done. To me that meant people thought you just s*** it out. There’s no creative process. There’s nothing to it… But some of these cats, it’s like very intricate wordplay, and they have their own ways to do it. I tried to get people who spoke on all the different styles of rap — the underground battle rappers or the conscious rappers. There’s lots of different styles.”

In addition to a list of 15 standard questions, Ice-T also asked each of his subjects to bust an original rhyme for the cameras, yielding stunning, off-the cuff performances whose lyrics often reflect on the craft and on what rap means to them. “What made this movie so special is Ice is alongside the person he’s interview, so he’s navigating the audience and he’s navigating the artists and the rappers and he’s doing a great job on both sides of the coin,” Chuck D noted. And Ice-T said his friendships with the subjects allowed him to cut deeper than the standard interviewer.

“By me knowing each one of these artists I had the ability to get, like, that Barbara Walters interview,” he explained. “I could get them into a place where I’m like, ‘That’s bulls***, man. Come on! I was there.’ ‘Ohhh…You want the REAL?’ and they start giving it up. Some of the best stuff is just wild stories — you would’ve never expected the KRS story about [how] he started rapping, or Run telling me what it’s like being on the top. It’s crazy.”

“Something From Nothing’s” official premieres will take place June 5 in Los Angeles and June 12 in New York. Ice-T predicted that “this is going to be a word-of-mouth film. We’re promoting it like a record rather than a film like…’The Avengers,’” but he’s counting on a substantial hip-hop fan base and a cross-generation appeal to bring people to the theaters.

“Almost every artist in this movie sold a million records, so in the hip-hop community we haven’t gotten one bad review,” he said. “I believe there’s a huge adult hip-hop audience that’s dormant, that wants to show their kids what they went through and wants to take them back and say, ‘This is when we wore Adidas.’ I’m hopeful those people will bring their kids. I really think this could do a Michael Moore thing. This could just swell and be bigger than a normal documentary. That could really happen.”

Meanwhile, the “Something From Nothing” official soundtrack is set to hit stores on June 12, with 23 tracks set to include live acapella performances from KRS-One, Immortal Technique, Ras Kass and Ice-T himself.

From Billboard.com

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Nigerian american black male model photo gallery and blog

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SILLY RABBIT, LABELS ARE FOR CLOTHES NOT PEOPLE

June 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Why is there such a need to put people in a box instantly? I found this write-up online that speaks about labels. Check it out-

Does it make you feel safer?

Hence, Labels are for clothes not people.

Why judge, back bite and label, when human beings are constantly growing and changing.

We have a right to change our minds and be whomever we choose to be as long as we are not hurting anyone.

It is just suffocating, scary and distasteful.

We cannot stop as human beings to judge others. However, it is said that when you are busy judging, you have no time to love human beings.

So after reading labels are for clothes not people, please keep those killer eyes, whispers and talking behind someone’s back to minimal.

Someone maybe doing that to you too.

Instead of labeling you can choose to take the high road, say something good about the person or don’t say anything.

Don’t stoop to other’s level and carry yourself with class.

Think how it poisons your disposition to negatively put someone down.

Put yourself in other person’s shoes, if they said something negative, nasty or plain mean, how it would make you feel?

How the little gossip would effect your energy, your relationship and your karma?

We are wonderful human beings and can be amazing in so many ways.

Our positive qualities include giving, hospitable and genuinely caring, when we want to be.

Care of our family and friends outweighs any other quality.

Consider having compassion for strangers as your family because you don’t know where they have been, what circumstances and why they are behaving the way they are.

If you don’t understand, give them the benefit of doubt.

Here is a short story:

A man with 5 unruly children was travelling on a train. The children were screaming, jumping and fighting with each other. He did not say a word to his children. One passenger was appalled at watching this and told the man to tell the children to be quiet. The man replied, “we are just returning from the hospital and their mother died today.”

We are so quick to judge that we forget to extend compassion to other human beings who are sharing this planet with us.

Our egos are not that big that we let them label others without much consideration for their conditions, environment and experience.

Ask yourself? What else could this mean?

Put yourself in the person’s shoes and see why they would be acting the way they are?

Maybe they did not have parents growing up who could have told them any better.

Perhaps they suffered a trauma that the behaviour became an instant reaction.

We all make mistakes and do things that we are not proud of later.

Forgive yourself and others for our shortcomings, and extend unconditional love in the short term that we are on this earth.

Love for all, hatred for none.

 

Posted by Ngo Okafor

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Nigerian American Black male model photo gallery and blog

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THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT MARRIED!

June 1, 2012 By 2 Comments

I put in several hours of research each day, to find interesting, informative topics to share with you. I found this really great article on Huffington Post written by Tracy McMillan.

DISCLAIMER!!!!!

This post might offend some people, but remember that it was written by a woman, not me.

Read More:

You want to get married.  It’s taken a while to admit it.  Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize.  Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened.  Another birthday, maybe.  A breakup.  Your brother’s wedding.  His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket.  You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married.  You never really cared that much before.  But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

Well, I know why.

How?  It basically comes down to this:  I’ve been married three times.  Yes, three.  To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married.  Growing up in foster care is a big part of it.  The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time.  Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won’t lie.  The problem is not men, it’s you.  Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way.  Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on.   So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

1.  You’re a Bitch.       Here’s what I mean by bitch.  I mean you’re angry.  You probably don’t think you’re angry.  You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries.  But the truth is you’re pissed.  At your mom.  At the military-industrial complex.  At Sarah Palin.  And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is:  most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.   I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband.  Here’s what my son wants out of life:  macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian.  Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry?  I didn’t think so.  You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape.  Female anger terrifies men.  I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.      2.  You’re Shallow.      When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters:  character.  So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right?  But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t.  Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now.  Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall.  Or rich.  Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is.  Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife.  This is the thinking of a teenaged girl.  And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls.  Because teenage girls are never happy.  And they never feel like cooking, either.      3. You’re a Slut.       Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married.  You are.  Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop.  Why?  Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game.  It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him.  And you have no idea how it happened.  Oxytocin, that’s how it happened.  And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4.  You’re a Liar.       It usually goes something like this:  you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship.  He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard.  Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling.  Usually that day.  And you don’t want that.  So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun!  You love having fun sex!  And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all!  You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in.  You start wanting more.  But you don’t tell him that.  That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends.  Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you.  I have news:  he will never “figure” this out.  He already knows he can live without you just fine.  And so do you.  Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

   5. You’re Selfish.      If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you.  You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds.  You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training.  Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself.  She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids.  This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt.  The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello!  It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her.  Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one.   Your husband will be along shortly.  Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

     6. You’re Not Good Enough.      Oh, I don’t think that.  You do.  I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal.  No, you want someone better than you are:  better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute.  Period.  Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives.  Why?  You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself.  Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school.  Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be.  They’re attractive, sure.  They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that’s the bad news.  The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner.  You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy.  It won’t.  Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it.  Strangely, men understand this more than we do.  Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it.  Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to.  But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son.

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DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

May 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

It takes a long time to become an overnight success. Get it…I really liked that. The truth of the matter is that most of the people that would be defined as an”overnight success”, have been grinding for years and years. But because no one knew who they were before they exploded, they are called overnight successes. Everything good in this life takes time to come to fruition. Even when it finally does comes, you have to continue to work hard to keep it. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re in Nigeria or in the United States; in order to succeed, we all have to work hard. It may be mundane, but in order to succeed, we have to do little things again and again and again.

Repetition is the key to everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. Take relationships for example, they take repetition and hard work to keep going strong. The two people can never relax and get comfortable. People getting comfortable is the first sign of the disintegration of a relationship. People in a relationship have to continue to do the things that their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse likes/loves. If you truly love the person you’re with, doing things to make the relationship grow, should not feel like hard, draining work. You can not stop saying nice things to each other. You can not stop going the extra mile to make each other smile, everyday. We can’t gain weight and think that it’s OK, because they love us. Many people, male and female, think that because they are in a relationship, they can relax and eat and do nothing. NO!!!! It’s not OK. It’s is extremely important to keep the spice up in the bedroom. We have to always to do our best to keep the interest. They want to be in a relationship with the person that they were attracted to in the first place. If anything, they want to see an improved version of them.

Boxing is the same way. I have to practice every punch again and again and again. Every single punch. I have to work on my head movement in order to prevent getting hit. I have to work on my defense to protect my face. I can’t have a battered face if want to continue to be a model. I have to do all that over and over and over again! The same thing applies to modeling. Work….Work ….Work. There’s always someone waiting to take your spot.

It’s never ending, but if you love it, then it doesn’t feel like work. If you love the person you’re in a realtionship with , then doing special things to keep the relationship fun will not feel like work. It’s a challenge, but it’s not work.

Do it again and again and again!!!!

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10 REASONS TO LOVE NIGERIA

April 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Now that my time in Nigeria is drawing to an end, I am engulfed by a feeling of sadness. I wish that I can Nigeria with me as I leave. I feel the need to share so many of the things I love about Nigeria. I wish that I could bring everyone with with me to share how beautiful Nigeria is. There are so many things I love about Nigeria. For this reason, it was extremely difficult for me to put this list together. It was difficult to narrow down all the things I love to just 10. I hope you like this list . Create your lists and post them on facebook and twitter

  1. We’re here, we’re there, and we’re everywhere. In every country, every walk of life, every genre, you’ll find Nigerians pulling their weight, doing their share, from Hakeem Olajuwon to “The Nigerian Nightmare”, Christian Okoye, from Osi Umenyiora to Emeka Okafor, from Femi Kuti to Sade, there are so many examples of this.  A Nigerian will stand out anywhere you find him or her, from Libya to London, Tokyo to Timbuktu.
  2. The average Nigerian is inherently intelligent. History is replete with stories of Nigerians all over the world, achieving academic feats, one of which is Saheela Ibraheem, who at the age of 15, has actualised the goal of gaining admission to the prestigious Harvard University, with aspirations of becoming a research scientist, studying the human brain.  Nigeria is the first country in Africa to successfully design, build and launch a satellite (under supervision of Surrey Satellite Technology Ltd) into orbit (NigeriaSat-X, Aug 17, 2011)
  3. Nigeria is the land of opportunity. It is pretty much a virgin market with capacity for many business ideas. If you have a brilliant idea and the funding, you will make so much money in Nigeria. Why? There are over 160 million people and a large informal market of consumers. If you identify the right market segment and establish a business, your profit margin will go through the roof. For instance, at the advent of mobile phones in the country, a South African company, MTN, came into the country as one of the first foreign investors. It is said that the company makes more profits from Nigeria are higher than its home country.
  4. The Nigerian accent is currently ranked by CNN Global Experiences as the 5th sexiest accent in the world.
  5. The Nigerian Green and White flag is a notable national symbol. The green colour symbolises agriculture, seeing that the country is endowed with masses of arable land, while the white colour signifies unity and peace. Other national symbols include the Nigerian Coat of Arms, which depicts an eagle on a black shield, trisected by two wavy silver bands, and supported on either side by two chargers. The national motto underlies the coat-of -arms: “Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.” Her national symbols convey great meaning to its people.
  6. Honestly the thing that comes to mind is the amazing variety we have when it comes to food. We are so good when it comes to harnessing the things given to us by nature to make food – Amala, Oka, Egbo, Agbalumo, Koun, Dodo Ikire, Orobo (jumbo Mirinda), Gbegiri, Kulikuli, ipekere (plantain chips), kundi (dried camel meat- tastes like fried beef), Fufu, Ole (beans cake), Abari-maize cake, Rice, Iyan-pounded yam, Kpukpuru-Ilaje food, Abula, Zobo, Bbaba dudu, Pomo, Ewedu, Kilishi all known to the diverse Nigerian communities but probably without easily identifiable English equivalents.
  7. The Nigerian concept of family is wonderful. The care and sense of belonging and responsibility shared within families is very impressive. Family links are traced and valued as far as 2nd and 3rd cousins. In many cases you get to hear of “my town’s man” being equated to “my brother”.Nigerians live a communal life style. The extended family is part of the immediate family in a Nigerian home”
  8. We never let an occasion pass without celebrating it. We have greetings for a new month, a new car, your new car; heck, even your new iPad can be a reason to celebrate in Nigeria.
  9. Nigerians are very hospitable – to a Nigerian, you don’t have to get an invite to come visiting, you are generally always welcome. I have received warm welcomes from total strangers in different parts of the country from just showing up at their door.Respect! In Nigeria, respect for the elders is the norm. A young person will almost always stand up for an elder to sit in a waiting room. I love that.
  10. Last but definitely not the least, Nigerian Ladies!!! They are beautiful, tasteful and stand out easily, with their good sense of fashion. Agbani Darego, former Miss World, is a good representation of this. Our women are born fashionistas.

By

Ngo Okafor

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR MATE LOST INTEREST IN YOU SEXUALLY?

April 11, 2012 By 2 Comments

I know that I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again, “Today was a good day”. You know what, today was a damn good day!!!! We got out of a meeting with the Commissioner of Youth and Sports in Enugu State. We met at the Enugu State Sports Council, which is where I started working out at the age of 14. He told us that we can take over the same gym that I lifted weights in as a kid and refurbish, it as part of the Champion Spirit Foundation initiative. I don’t know if you guys understand how huge this for me. I started working out in this place, went away for 19 years, succeeded due to the hard work instilled in me by the energy in that place, now and I’m going to return to salvage it. If that is not full circle, then I don’t know what is.

But enough about me. The topic of my blog today poses the question, What would you do if your mate lost interest in you sexually? This is a topic that has come up in several conversations with friends.  Can love alone, without sex, sustain a marriage? You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. I found this interview and article which really discusses this subject without being too preachy. Check it out below>>>>>>>>>>

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat. Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

By

Ngo Okafor

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